“Oh Really?” A Wandos Memory.

It was about this time last year that the majority of the Bowen Babes were feeling some intense senioritis and graduation fever. Considering I’ve been feeling senioritis since my sophomore year, I was more than thrilled to finally have some partners in crime for my week-day outings. We picked one week to go out every night as a sort of “hoorah” before graduation. Not to mention Madison has some pretty phenom food/drink deals on non-popular days. If you haven’t started planning your bar hops based on who is offering the best free food, you are severely missing out and spending too much per week on groceries. The funniest part about the whole week was that we made it out Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and managed to give up for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday – the easiest nights to go out. Guess we weren’t as hardcore as well thought we were…

Untitled-3But on this particular week, we naturally chose Wandos for our Tuesday night outing. $1 beers and free bacon. We lived next to some rowdy dudes on Bowen and someone was always up for a good time there, so Dahlin (aka Jake) joined Bailey, Leigh, Janelle and I for Bacon Night. Wando’s is one of those dangerous places that always winds up getting the best of you. Bacon Night is a particularly malicious marketing technique on Wando’s behalf, because the more salty bacon you eat, the more beer you want. And before you know it, it is 10 PM and you have had 10 beers, 8 servings of bacon, and you can’t find your wallet or your left shoe. And you have 8:50 AM class.

But seriously...this is what she looked like.

But seriously…this is what she looked like.

So there we are at Bacon Night, no more than 10 minutes past 9 PM. We are casually chatting on the first floor, not too far from the bathroom doors. Suddenly this girl stumbles out of the bathroom, bumping into everyone in her path. The only way I can describe this girl is “The Little Mermaid” on crack. She had long, reddish hair that was pointing every direction like a hot mess. She had some kind of sequin shiny dress on but I couldn’t tell you the color, cuz all I could focus on was the fact that her entire right boob was hanging out of her dress. Her A-cup light pink VS bra was about half an inch away from pulling a Janet Jackson.

She violently grabs Dahlin by the shoulders, cocks her hip, whips her head back and forth and says “You bought me a drink.”

We’ve never seen this girl before in our life and here she is Z-snapping in Dahlin’s face telling him that he bought her a drink.

Dahlin just goes “Um…excuse me…?”

“You bought me a drink!”

“Um…I’m sorry, I don’t know you.”

“Well, you bought me a drink.”

Crackhead Mermiad was starting to get pretty aggressive. Her 5 foot 4 inch frame looked like it was attempting to chest bump Dahlin. She just kept repeating herself over and over again, as if Dahlin’s memory would suddenly be jogged and he would offer to buy her another one.

Dahlin calmly said “I really don’t think I did. You must have me mistaken with someone else.”

And then came the “Oh really?”

Oh really?

Oh really?

I’ve never heard anything like it. Suddenly we were in west LA listening to Cher and Dionne and their Valley Girl accents. She must have said “Oh really?” about 60 times. It was quite the rhetorical question.

“I really don’t think it was me.”

“OH REALLY? Oh really? OH REALLY? Oh. Really.”



Bailey steps in to put Crackhead Mermaid in her place, stating that it couldn’t have been Dahlin because Dahlin and her are dating.  (Foreshadowing the fact that Bailey and Dahlin actually started dating about two months later…)

Crackhead Mermaid whips her head around and jumps down Bailey’s throat with a quite forceful “Oh really?” and proceeds to “Oh really?” Bailey about 18 more times.

I’m just about losing it over at the bar. I am laughing so hard that I am crying. Janelle pipes in to tell the girl that she really doesn’t need any more to drink and that no one knows her. The girl gets all up in Janelle’s grill and that just makes me laugh even harder. And then she proceeded to shoot fire out of her eyes and stare me down for a good three minutes while I hung my head in my lap and laughed my ass off. She just continued to stare at me with pure wrath and rage. Every time I looked up to see if she was gone, she was still there. As if looks could kill.

Finally her friends found her and clearly mortified, tried to pull her away from us. But Crackhead Mermaid did not back down without a fight – many profanities were exchanged between both sides. I had already been in one bar fight that year (Brother’s bottle anyone?) and was one of the first to back down. Her friends dragged her away as she was screaming and shouting and tripping over her heels, bra still hanging out her party dress.

And there we are dumb founded, all looking at each other like “WHO THE HELL WAS THAT?!”

And then three guys approached us. And deeply apologized. Because they there the ones that had bought her the drink.


4839209683_8496a5b8c8_mYou can now find me on a regular basis throwing out “Oh Really???” like it is my job. Rumor has it that one time I got in an “Oh really” battle with the inanimate Statue of Liberty outside State Street Brats…

No comment.


About Melissa Faulkner

1. If I blog, someone will eventually discover me. 2. If someone eventually discovers me, I will become rich and famous. 3. If I blog, I will become rich and famous. Follow me for shorter, daily doses! @melisslyss
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