An Open Letter to Charter Communications

Dear Charter Communications,

Thank you for timing out at the most crucial moments. Your ability to predict when I need you most and then utterly and miserably fail to follow through is actually impressive. You really out did yourself today when you decided to crap out in the middle of me making a payment to a foreign bank in Copenhagen. After having to use my phone to translate the Danish error message, I discovered that I actually made the payment twice, due to a glitch in processing. All I have to do is contact said foreign bank and wait six weeks for proper restoration of funds. Today Charter Internet, you cost me over $600. And that doesn’t even include the $3.50 I pay for you daily, which I would also like refunded.

Do you have any idea what kind of use I could get out of that $3.50? That is 3 Spotted Cow pints at Vintage next Monday. That is 3 tacos at Chasers this Wednesday. At least those things hold value, unlike the pile of horse shit that I am currently paying for.

The amount to be refunded to me should be more like $10, due to the emotional damage this failed service is causing me. Aside from making an extremely important payment, I had some intense Facebook stalking going on simultaneously. I was trying to scope out a decent photo of the boy I want my little sister to marry. In fact, you owe her a $10 refund too – FOR SCREWING UP HER FUTURE.

Thanks to you, I am now overdrawn on my bank account, and my sister will never know love. HOW DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOURSELF AT NIGHT CHARTER COMMUNICATIONS??????

The saddest part of it all? I couldn’t even properly vent when I needed to, because GUESS WHAT??? In order to post open letter blog posts, I NEED THE INTERNET. I had to drag my butt to Union South just to make this post. And for that, I am charging you the wear and tear on my sandals, the gas money I could have potentially used if my sorry butt had decided to drive, and once again, emotional scarring due to your failure to serve.  Your requested refunded amount is now $20. $20 DAILY. I will be adding those daily payments and sending you your monthly total bill. And then you too can have the amazing feeling of opening up your mail to an outrageous bill filled with “unidentifiable miscellaneous charges” and then scream your GD head off.

I would also like a cookie, a warm glass of milk, and a pony.

When my Charter Internet contract ends in August, I plan on returning the favor, after months of a long and fruitful relationship. You’ve shown me yours, and now I will show you mine. Or maybe I’ll show you Jenn’s. I’m sure she would be more than happy to poop in a box and mail it to you, as a token of our appreciation. In fact, I bet all of Madison would be more than happy to collectively poop in a box as a thank you gift to you. For all the times you exceeded our expectations of just how shitty things can be.

Thank you Charter Communications, you really have out done yourself.

Your favorite angry tweeter Melissa


About Melissa Faulkner

1. If I blog, someone will eventually discover me. 2. If someone eventually discovers me, I will become rich and famous. 3. If I blog, I will become rich and famous. Follow me for shorter, daily doses! @melisslyss
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